I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
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Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
Dating is just wondering why someone is single and then slowly figuring it out
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
I find it hard to believe I used to just answer my phone when it rang. No caller ID. No idea who was calling. Just picked it up and said “hello” like a goddam daredevil.
I put a NEW DRIVER sticker on my car so people will have mixed emotions when I cut them off.
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.