I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
You Might Also Like
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
Unknown people: you aren’t weird you are just being yourself
My gang: bro I know 5 weird people and you are 4 of them
Nativity season is upon us! My son has been cast as a wise man. My daughter, on the otherhand –
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours