Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?

Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho

Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”

I wonder if any student will ever top this email.

[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human

Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background

This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries

Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.

One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day

Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places

Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?

Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney

one of my colleagues is just one of my absolute favourite people. a patient brought us in homemade strawberry and cream cupcakes as an apology for being rude earlier, and my colleague just finished hers, licked her lips, dropped the paper in the bin and announced to the world ‘A F****N’ ENJOYED THAT, SORCHA. SOMEONE ANNOY HER AGAIN’

I love her

I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.

Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳

If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.

Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…

…it’s just me, taking the stairs

A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.

My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?

Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-

6: Is that because you keep giving it away??

Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.

this independent good boy don’t need no human

What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?

MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep

DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music

I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.

“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”

-Sir Smirnoff

ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked

3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?

Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.

3yo: Why would someone want that?

I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.

“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”

[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!

Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie

Devil: I’ve got an idea

Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.

The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.