I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
You Might Also Like
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
When he said they’re giving migrants sex changes I nearly spit out my dog
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.