I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
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she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
I got confused by all the yard signs, and I think I may have voted for a realtor.
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise