I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
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“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
i prefer mine room temperature.
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
I’m dying louder than usual today.
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness