I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
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This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
As I get older, I remember all of the people I lost along the way…
Maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t the right choice.
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked years ago.
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
‘Yes, sir. He’s barricaded himself in. He’s taken two sausages’
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
volunteer in charge: we are gonna walk around and search for clues about the missing girl.
guy who just bought a new fly fishing rod: we should check the lake first
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?