Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.

I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”

Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows

I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone

*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens

*mouths* “call me”

*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret

Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…

Diet, Day 14:

I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.

But I’m starting to really like pears.

Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241

“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”

– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out

*My wife being frustrated by my kids*

Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?

8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?

I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.

Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.

[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.

ME: *posing nude for a painter*

GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.

I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.

Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no

of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten

Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.

Or, as I call it, tweeting.

Pros and cons of doing something you love:

Pros: It’s something you love

Cons: Doing.

What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?

[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]

Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?

[spelling bee]

judge: your word is “redacted”

me: ████████

judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct

giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”

[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen

In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.

you aren’t “dehydrated”, you have attachment issues and you were denied water as a child

God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.

Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.

Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.

“What is that the trees outside in the wind?”

– Me in bed, wondering what the sound of my dry crusty feet on my sheets is