I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
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Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
I’m a yapper
I’m a napper
I’m a midnight snacker
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
Produce goes bad three times faster when you’re the one who paid for it. It’s science!
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
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They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush