@NotJPo

I’m not needy. I’m wanty.

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@BoogTweets

Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉

Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily

@CyrusOMerican

WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again

ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew

@fanofhell

For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair

@Caissie

My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”

@Gre_Gone

Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.

@minnie_in_pink7

The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.

@thombodytolove

don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo

@turtledumplin

Just had a customer giving me his email and he said “E as in X-ray” 😭