@NotJPo

I’m not needy. I’m wanty.

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@pleatedjeans

[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you

@WilliamAder

Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.

@Cravin4

My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff

@DomesticGoddss

Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.

@MichaelTrying

If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.

@TheToddWilliams

[post-abduction]

ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm

ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?

ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one

@echoVista

“My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.”

@TheDairylandDon

Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.

@ninjadinosaur1

Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.

@lovemyboots111

How do you know your man is cheating?

When he drives by her place the wifi connects