I’m not needy. I’m wanty.

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Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉

Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily


WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again

ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew


For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair


My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”


Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.


The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.


don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo


Just had a customer giving me his email and he said “E as in X-ray” 😭