[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
I’m not needy. I’m wanty.
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Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
“My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.”
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
How do you know your man is cheating?
When he drives by her place the wifi connects