That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
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Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
This guy gets it.
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb