Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[fire alarm]

Hotel California manager: oh no

cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor

me: i don’t know where dave is

cop: how did you know it was dave

[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel

CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.

Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!

My dog when she hears popcorn popping

doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died

my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar

“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.

Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.

Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.

But science tells us otherwise.

#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?

When I pack too much for a short trip.

Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.

angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”

Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”

Is it the “S” or the “C?”

Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there

The real reason evolution started..😂

Tequila should come with a label saying “this may cause you to pick trash off the interstate in an orange jumpsuit on the weekends.”

Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?

Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.

Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it

Me: ok

[at grocery store]

Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi

Clerk: quinoa

Me: definitely not eating that

3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!

Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.

3 y/o: what?

Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.

I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.

Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?

I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.

“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”

*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…

Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen

mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans

*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact

when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again

[haunted house]

FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes

I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.