Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C

Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”

Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire

Me: Almost never.

Her: Oh that’s a relief.

Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)

Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.

*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award

Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…

Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat

*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.

What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else

Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.

You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.

My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.

Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.

*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day

Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas

“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.

Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.

I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE

My next door neighbor invited me to a party at his place, but he’s creepy, so I didn’t go. The next day when he asked why I didn’t show up, I couldn’t think of an excuse, so I said I couldn’t find parking. He just nodded and said “Next time, take a Uber.”

Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”

[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see

To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.

“Aaaaaaaaand done!”

-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions

Stock market update:

Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok

just told my cat that she and I invented cats sitting on laps. she has no way of knowing otherwise, and it’s nice for her to get a win, but… I worry. she believed me instantly—where is the critical thinking? and honestly I’m not happy with how easily the lie came out my mouth

“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig

It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face

{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}

me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT

I pray every night that I never become religious…

Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked