I’m not one of those who will like or retweet something just because I agree with it. I’ll like a tweet purely for it having 665 likes
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REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
It’s not so much that I have no idea what the kids are saying these days, it’s that when I look up the slang I still have no idea what it means
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
jacob when he finds out that his love interest is bella’s literal baby
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard