I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
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I love when other parents ask me how old my kid is and then say “that’s a good age” like at some point am I gonna say a number and they’re gonna say “oh damn that sucks?”
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
Day 1: [Stranded on an island] Is this where it ends for me?
Day 2: Ok, I need to get to know this place
Day 3: I’ve spotted what appears to be monkeys.
Day 4: Omg I’ve just seen a person
Day 5: Ok, this is a zoo.
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
o shit
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.