Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage

My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.

‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’

Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.

My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.

According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illness

And the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”

SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin

Hooters is shutting down a lot of locations, which is very shocking, but even more surprising that an owl themed restaurant lasted that long.

I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.

doctor: do u smoke?

me: no

doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*

me: [nervously] is…is that bad?

Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.

What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?

“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?

Whatever it is, I’m that

You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.

Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.

if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker

A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.

@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!

I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…

The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”

[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.

At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter

Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.

Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.

ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band

Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.

manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy

I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.

If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain

Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.

oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving