I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
You Might Also Like
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
My age is news to me every single time I remember
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
Me: I have a toothache
WebMD: Your dad is the Zodiac killer
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six