I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
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[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
*looks at you in batman voice*
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
just pretend nothing happened
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
Donating blood today to make room for more food
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”