I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
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I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here: