I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
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I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
Camping in the mountains is fun. You just have to have a good sleeping bag, a tent that will hold the contents of a small kitchen, good hiking boots, and potable food/water. Oh, and be faster than whoever you’re hiking with in the event of a bear sighting.
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
#Caturday
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
WTF IS THAT!
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
dude it’s called proctologist
Me buying fruit and veg
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.