Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!

Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower

My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split

I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.

I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie

Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things

It’s generally a good idea to start punching and throwing elbows immediately upon waking up because there may be enemies nearby

I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”

*knuckle tats*

( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )

(I’m a librarian)

Netflix: Continue watching?

Me: *can’t find tv remote*

Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up

She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”

Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.

“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.

My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!

You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.

Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.

I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?

Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.

Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*

(At the dentist)

‘Your grinding isn’t good.’

Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.

As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.

Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.

My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.

me, testifying before congress: …& i think everyone here agrees that it’s about time lawmakers overturn the ‘he who smelt it, dealt it’ law because we know that it’s not always the case

Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.

One time, I gave a man a fish and he was like, thanks I’ll eat today, but what about tomorrow, so I taught him how to go to the grocery store.

Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?

Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength

Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.

Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.

Millennial: blank stare

Cake hits so much harder off a plastic fork.

Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?