I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
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Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
Olympics, but with real life skills like who can build the tallest pile of trash on top of the can to avoid taking it out
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
Me: Siri set an alarm for 5am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
mentally somewhere in italy
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
honk shuah. sleep on that thang
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.