I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
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It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
Dude, when’s the last time you read a book?
“shh, I’m getting mad online”
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.