I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
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People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
#Caturday
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
If the government wants me to work so bad then they should give me a job at the unemployment office
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
Me: 1yo’s little baby legs are so chonky and sweet. I want to eat them.
3yo: Mommy, NO. We do NOT EAT PEOPLE.
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
going to ask seven friends for advice and then execute my original plan
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
Faith can move mountains, but cash can move the paperwork.
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?