“I’m not ordering fries, I’ll just eat some of yours” -Former friends of mine
You Might Also Like
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
i’m sure it’s fine
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.