“I’m not ordering fries, I’ll just eat some of yours” -Former friends of mine
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If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
operators are standing by to ignore your call
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
Ok, but like, how married are you?
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater