Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.

Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza

One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set

“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.

Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.

I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.

After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.

Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.

Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?

I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.

An Asian guy named Glenn?

Please

genie: wishes should be limited

monkeys paw: and come with consequences

shooting star: don’t forget rare

birthday candle: yeah and secret

dandelion: ok you guys need to relax

I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player

Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”

Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.

(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!

Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.

My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.

Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.

Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now

[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.

Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.

Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”

i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow

No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.

I’m not crazy.

I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.

Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad

I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.

ME: these fireworks are so quiet

WIFE: those are palm trees

Hospice was my favorite spice girl,

into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma

A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.

her: we’re engaged, Dad!

her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first

me: you’re not really my type