“I’m not ordering fries, I’ll just eat some of yours” -Former friends of mine
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I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now