I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
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You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.