Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October

Me: Mum was I adopted?

Mum: Yes, but they gave you back

Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.

Them: Good morning
Me: Where?

ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.

PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!

ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?

Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆

HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner

HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me

They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.

He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her

The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.

At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”

I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.

These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.

6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.

Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒

haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”

I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???

I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.

😳

A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?

I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people

Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.

Me: Okay.

Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”

God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!

Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.

І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.

Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat

your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.

THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full

I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.

Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown

Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life

Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!

My firstborn put our house on Yelp and left a review stating the food is great but the kitchen staff is grumpy.