Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: what are you doing?

Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.

Wife: but she’s only 3.

Me: I need the extra time.

Wife: why?

Me: to catch and train the owl.

Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.

Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.

Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.

[blind date]

Her: so what do you do for fu..

Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE

my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents

Interviewer: how did you write that song?

Singer: well, I had an epiphany…

Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?

When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.

Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave

I tried getting my ducks in a row but 2 can’t swim, 3 have bad attitudes, and 1 could not pass a field sobriety test if his life depended on it.

Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato

“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”

So apparently a doctor’s note doesn’t get you out of work for multiple years

[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died

[driving home in silence]

me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy

gf: they were lowering his coffin

Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.

Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.

me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]

him: is that all you got

me: yeah inflation’s bad

You don’t scare me, you’re not my kid noticing her sibling got a bigger slice of cake.

Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”

Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.

My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.

girlfriend: we need to talk

me: ok what’s up

girlfriend: I’m pregnant

me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO

[Wine tasting]

Me: Yep. Wine.

Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.

FBI: oops wrong one

My 5yo: WHY DID I NOT GO TO THE FUNERAL?
Me: Well, you would have had to be quiet for an hour.
5: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I AM REALLY NOT GOOD AT THAT.

There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.

So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.

Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.

Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this

There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.