Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”

i got 4 brain cells and they’re the Madagascar penguins

Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.

“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.

A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.

Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.

My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.

Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?

Captain America: Um sure.

Spiderman: What should I do?

Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.

how much would they have to pay you to be the model for this article

Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player

Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor

Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison

Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.

With grape soda comes grape responsibility.

HIM: I wanna be more than friends.

ME: You wanna be BEST friends?

Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now

Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once

Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one

Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested

we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us

Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.

What type of magazine do cows read?

Cattlelogs.

No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.

Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…

T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said

Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense

Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?

friend: let’s meet up soon

me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though

That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.

I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.

Wife: I need some chicken stock.

Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.

I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.

You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying

ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote

Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.