I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
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Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
me at the assigned security training after clicking another fake phishing email
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
he’s mad at me cause i keep replying “🧯” to every girl that comments “🔥” on his pictures
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
Imagine you flip to a guys stream after dieing and see this
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
idk if im pregnant or what but i been craving 3 million dollars so bad
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
Why are the produce aisles empty but the booze aisles fully stocked? I guess I’m in luck!
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him