I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
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All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*