I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
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It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
oh u like geography? name every lake
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
If I had The Force I’d just use it to open pistachios
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
Slamming into a lamppost in a robotaxi, staggering out and calling another robotaxi to the hospital which also immediately drives into a lamppost
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…