Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.

were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal

Husband enters vasectomy room

Nurse: You sure about this?

*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*

N: The dr. will be right in

“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.

A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?

My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”

And now we wait…

I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.

My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.

GRAVES.

My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”

Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.

Therapy: Expensive

saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free

I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.

“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils

“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”

Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!

Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?

Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.

So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.

doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health

me: phew, I’m so relieved

doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…

Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.

Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.

They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.

When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.

I’m trying to explain myself less often because:

*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*

And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.

I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.

Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.

Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.

Me: Neither are you.

Zen master: Oh bugger.

“Square up your hips.”
“Alright.”
“Your elbows need to come up.”
“Is all this really necessary?”
“Have you seen the news?”
“No.”
“They’re coming for us, Sid.”

I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.

angel: whatcha making?

god: *buffing a shark* dolphin

Matt Goss

Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind