I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
You Might Also Like
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”