I’m not “passive aggressive”… would a passive aggressive person buy you these lovely wind chimes?
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When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
if he doesn’t like your fruit puns you need to let that mango
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
Try a grape in the produce section and it’s ok but try a leg of rotisserie chicken and you get escorted out of the store
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
I watched the movie, Trolls, with my kids and was really surprised that I didn’t see a lot of these Twitter accounts
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.