I’m not “passive aggressive”… would a passive aggressive person put glitter in your air vents?
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There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.