i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
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Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
it’s so important to spend hours reading various product reviews across multiple sites before saying “yeah fuck it this one” and buying whatever you happen to be looking at around 2 am
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
nobody’s ever dunked on babies this hard and never will
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.