Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dear Diary,

– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.

God: *creates sunset*

Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?

God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.

Proofread twice, hang posters once

Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website

the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty

There are 2 kinds of people in this world;

1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math

Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs

*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*

I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.

a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.

“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.

omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺

please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.

*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*

when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak

me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles

dracula: venn

me: probably tomorrow

My diet plan consists of multiple naps.

Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.

I am not responsible for what my face does when you talk

Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you

The prophecy is fulfilled

Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it

They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-

The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.

[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?

Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?

My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.

*gets in taxi*

Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.

Cabbie: Where to?

Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.

DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-

MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?

DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.

I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱

Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.

Wife: what are you doing?

Me: rewatching Frozen.

Wife: why?

Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.

Wife: why?

Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.

Wife: why?

Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.