im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
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I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
The nurse said she needed some urine to test for potassium. “K,” I said. Silence. “I bet everyone makes that joke,” I say. She’s like “In 15 years of nursing not one person has made that joke”
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
Tickling is the most absurd bodily function.
Here, let me use feathers to completely incapacitate you.
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
💻🤡
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
[speed dating]
Me “Why are you covered in blood?”
Her “it’s just a conversation starter!
Me:…
Her: And it worked! So… what blood type are you?”
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap