im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
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A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
can I use a minion as a tampon
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
😆this is so true
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.