I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
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I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
I don’t always carry all the groceries on one arm, but when I do, my keys are in the wrong pocket…
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
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Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid