I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
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1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
Straight people are cancelled
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
My chess strategy is eating one of your pieces every time you look away.
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
Either you’re violently frolicking with me or you’re violently frolicking against me.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.