Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

bartender: what’s wrong with you

best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast

bartender: well that’s excessive-

best man: mike is the groom

Work IT Tech: Oh, you’re just gonna need an HDMI cable for that. Do you need me to send you one?

Me: No, no, I’ve been waiting for this moment* for a long time

*pulling out the big tub of cords in the garage

“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.

Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”

CDC ”Stop right there!!”

Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.

“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.

🤣🤣💀

Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.

proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask

me: no you can have them

Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.

Wife: I’m leaving you.

Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?

Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.

Me: [whispers] type-o.

*hires sky writer*

I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.

Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing

when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture

Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.

ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner

I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.

I feel like not enough people are aware of how unhinged dunkin’s latest ad campaign is

This coffee isn’t working… think I need holy water

Say it with flowers.

If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.

“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”

~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.

tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more

🤣🤣

My coffee and I used to be hot. Now, we’re just bitter.

MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.

ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.

[meanwhile in ufo]

ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?

DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.

If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.

*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*

Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶

Optometrist: “You need glasses.”

Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M

My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?

Me: Yes!

scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year