im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
You Might Also Like
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
Dog politely drops hints that he’s interested in walking..🐕🐾😅
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
[on a ladder vacuuming trees so I don’t have to rake]: everyone else is stupid
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
Saturday
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle