im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
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Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
Why my dad got his bald friend contact saved as “Head” in his phone
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
Shower sex be like:
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
How is it still this week?
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.