Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late

Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”

*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.

8yo: *drawing family portrait*

Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?

8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*

Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*

Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.

You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.

I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.

The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.

and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this

– me on my own cooking show

My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.

Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?

Her: Uh, excuse me?

Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.

Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo

I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.

[after explaining speed limit signs]

5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits

“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”

Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.

*panic sets in.

Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.

*extreme panic sets in

“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”

Me: A partner

A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.

Like on Amazon or in our house?

[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]

I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.

Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.

Marriage.

“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”

-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie

Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.

Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.

Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?

Him: It’s five dollars.

[alternate universe]

teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes

student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today

How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.

Nothing, it was on the house.

#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts

Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.