I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
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[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
Dates are weird like ok I guess I’ll dress up for my romantic interview
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
My kid just told me I look so young from this angle. The angle being the back of my head.
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Mom: Hey, suddenly I can see your posts on Twitter now.
Me: Yeah, wow, that was so weird before when you couldn’t.
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
[I walk into my girlfriend’s house where she’s dressed like a cheerleader]: oh sorry you’re watching the game I’ll come back
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
*sails into the Bermuda Triangle and disappears*
*an hour later*
7yo: Oh, there you are. Can I play video games?
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.