I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
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Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
merriam-webster followed and then unfollowed me. not very definitive of them
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.