I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
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*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
#SaturdayBears
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
The first pyramid scheme was when the Egyptians took credit for the pyramids that were clearly built by dinosaurs.
when mom throws a party…
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..