I’m not proud
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i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
I’m not coming down from this tree until the mayor agrees to save this park from demolition or sends a really tall ladder up here, maybe places some mattresses around the base.
The fastest mammal on earth is me when I’m retweeting your typo tweet.
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
If you’re in an ambulance, you need to get yourself to a hospital right away.
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
After struggling for ages at this branch with a Smartboard that doesn’t work half the time, we finally talked the library system into replacing it with a Smartboard that works half the time.