I’m not proud
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JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
I don’t know what to do
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]