I’m not proud
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Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
Quadruple digit IQ
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
Sheep
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
My partner is sending me slides from orientation at her new job and it’s all like
– No more than 80 hours per week!
– 4 days guaranteed off per month!
– Shifts are capped at 28 hours!
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
“It’s still inside my pencil” is the best answer I’ve ever had from a first grader who was asked, “Where’s your journal writing?”