“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
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* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”