I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
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Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, I’m never sending you nudes again.
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.