I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
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My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Netflix is doing a new show about a “psychic” who specializes in reading famous people. Y’know, the folks who do in-depth interviews and reality TV shows and write autobiographies.
“We never met, but somehow, he knew everything about me!”
Gee, how does he do it. So amazing.