I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
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3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
Show me on the doll where the sandwich hurt you
Wait a minute…
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
Apparently they check bags at the movies now tell me why I admitted to all my snacks talmbout some “Ok wait, i can explain, it’s just cheetos and wine” and the cop was confused as hell assuring me “Ma’am we are searching for weapons”
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
Why are they called air marshals and not plane clothes policemen
Brands during Pride
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
Cathy on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Cathy ? …..Most people love it.
I googled my symptoms and it turns out I just need this election to be over.
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
grandpa was shocked
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.