I’m not proud
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We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
A particularly friendly email response from me could mean either:
a) I am happily responding to you.
b) I’ve never wanted to kill someone more but I want you to do the thing that I’ve asked.
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
After a certain age your body is like a car boot sale….
Some stuff looks old, some stuff doesn’t work, and some stuff you can’t even identify.
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
My husband, on the phone to social security administration to report that they still have not recorded his mother’s death (more than a year ago) and are still sending ss checks–
–SS phone lady says: so are you reporting your own death?
–Hubs says: ….No… I’m alive.
😬
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
Sending my 6yo to law school considering how many arguments I’ve had to hear about why he should get to eat pumpkin pie today
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.