“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
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Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
Erm I’m gonna say no
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
#MeanwhileinCanada
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot