“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
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There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
Just seen a wild goose, think I’ll chase it. Surely this will be a fruitful endeavor
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.