@KeinyoWhite

“I’m not racist, but,” -Racists

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@MarfSalvador

Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]

Date: Wow your knee is huge

@3sunzzz

My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.

@YourMomsucksTho

I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am

@Lhlodder

1 kid: Makes you a mom.

2 kids: Makes you a maid.

3 kids: Makes you a manager.

4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.

@skickwriter

5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?

@stephenjmolloy

Date: So what do you do?

Me: I’m a script editor.

Me: Are you any good?

Me: No.

@paulablu22

Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.

@KentWGraham

Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?