You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
You Might Also Like
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
Strange
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer