@KeinyoWhite
@CafeinatedBacon
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
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@CafeinatedBacon
@MarfSalvador
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
@3sunzzz
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
@YourMomsucksTho
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
@PrettiestPickle
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
@Lhlodder
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
@skickwriter
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
@stephenjmolloy
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
@paulablu22
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
@KentWGraham
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?