I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
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Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
No one judges you harder than a dental receptionist when you don’t know if you’ll be free at 2pm on a random Tuesday, in six months time.
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until you’re sure most the birds have flown south.
Snow joke. Follow us all season long for more important winter tips!
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”