Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.

“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”

Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today

Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah

Boss: My office please

Me: Ooooh

Boss: Not like that

Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.

Pastor: He is risen!

Me: Who?

Pastor: Jesus

Me: Jesus who?

Pastor: Jesus Christ

Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.

I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.

Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”

Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.

waiter: do you have any questions about the menu

me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats

Merica.

Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.

I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.

Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.

2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say

Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.

90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.

I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.

[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist

Just saw a sign in a car saying “Baby On Board”

That’s no way to run a business, is it?

Presumably it’s a non-executive role.

Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.

I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.

“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.

HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS Ｔｈｅ Ｃｏｌｏｓｓａｌ Ｐｉｌｌａｒ ｏｆ Ｗａｓｐ Ｅｇｇｓ LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS

“We will wed,” I threatened

Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.

Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.

Me: wtf

DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building

me: *clicks Add to dictionary*

microsoft word: yeah definitely doing that 👍

I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.

My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.