I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
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Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?