Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?

10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?

A lot of people think that the funniest people are actually the most depressed on the inside but I have a comedian friend who’s pretty depressed and he’s one of the worst comedians I know

peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig

*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??

One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it

[at quick clinic]

Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?

Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.

if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color

Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible

Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.

Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom

this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade

My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.

Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*

unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”

Red Bull gives you wings.

Sugar Daddy gives you things.

“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”

– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.

[watching paint dry]

“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”

kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)

[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.

Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.

Wrapping paper: *rips*

Put a mirror on the ceiling.

She said.

It will be sexy.

She said.

Terrify yourself every morning.

I found out.

The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.

Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.

In this essay, I will

One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.

Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?

After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.

Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.

But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.

I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.

Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.

i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way