I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
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I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
You’d be amazed at the number of people that like Piña Coladas and getting caught in the rain who also have a suspended drivers license.
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
thought i was a minimalist, but it turns out i’m just broke
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
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If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
What the hell happened here.
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
I wish I were this cool 😂