I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
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I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
There is wisdom there.
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
hear me out : pockets for your socks
Sex so good you see dead people.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
My Sentiments Exactly
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.