I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
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I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
Baking instructions should be:
Cook it until you smell it, then go take looksee.
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
We argue about where to go for dinner for so long it eventually becomes an argument on where to go for breakfast
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*