I’m not ready to adopt a highway I can barely raise my own driveway.
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Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
no. that was two husbands ago. my great, great ex husband
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
at my size, i’d be called buffet the vampire slayer.
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
No, I wish my water bottle had MORE parts to disassemble and wash. Seven is not enough!
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
Everyone is entitled to a couple conspiracy theories, but is safe to say Elvis is probably dead by now?
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
A late person is never happier than when the person they’re meeting is later than them
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.