I’m not ready to adopt a highway I can barely raise my own driveway.
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I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
husband [joking]: i know someone going to a military school
15 [not joking]: i know someone going to a nursing home
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
At my age, you check a friend’s FB page to make sure they’re still alive before wishing them a happy birthday.
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
there’s music for literally every activity
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward