Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
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My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.