Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

-Do you have this t-shirt on large
-Sir, it’s a yard sale

Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal

Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.

[laying on top of me]

4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.

Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you

He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.

I once sneezed so hard that I set every clock back two hours, and the Sky Marshall had a little talk with me once we landed

DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?

ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.

DON: And the boy?

ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.

Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?

I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.

Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man

Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh

wife: i think the zoo is closing.

me: pff how are they going to make us leave?

(lions roaring in the distance)

Me: I lost 3 pounds!

Domino’s: I found them for you.

My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.

This is what happened. I hit the scorpion emoji by accident which made it go into my frequent emojis & it was very hectic & I wasn’t paying attention & most of my texts to people yesterday ended with a scorpion by mistake instead of a heart. Anyway. Sorry about all the scorpions

I hope google does well on my son’s test

The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.

Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray

“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off

You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water

[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts

Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
Marioooooo

Mushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad

the way she just yells ‘STOP IT!’ in a drive by telling off to the two riding goats as she runs past on her way to rescue the other one – I can’t breathe

Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.

[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one

Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.

I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.

to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.

KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?

BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…