Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes

I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy

*getting attacked by a bear in France*

ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.

Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?

My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.

i gave my friends who live close by a spare key in case i lose mine and they’ve just been using it to come over and play baldurs gate when im not home

Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.

ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.

CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma

CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid

Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.

Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school

We went together like toothpaste and orange juice

Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?

see you in hell you stupid fruit

My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”

I’m suddenly having trust issues.

Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.

[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life

People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.

#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX

Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket

if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry

SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife

My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.

If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.

A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.

I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.

Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose

I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.

Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?

Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care

Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that

Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.