“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
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shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
Spent the evening varnishing my Grandparents dining room floor. Here’s a list of things they offered me in the three hours I was there…
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
*pronounces surface like Versace*
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
F.Y.I. You pee on a jellyfish sting not a jelly stain.
Again my apologies to the lady at the IHOP this morning.
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.